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Bridal Rant - Funny

Bridal Rant - Funny

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Ani: Amazon Warrior

1. Don't tell me I'm fat, or that my boobs are too big to wear a strapless dress. I may be fat and have big boobs, but I'm still 30 years younger than you are. Besides, I can lose weight; you can't turn back the clock. Oh, and it's rude.

2. Don’t tell me that the venue/caterer/reception/decorator/flowers/ are too expensive. What do you care? You're not paying for it, I am. This is not your wedding it is MINE. Butt out

3. Don't spend three years bugging me about centerpieces only to change your mind and make something TOTALLY apart from my theme 2 months before the wedding. I don't care what you do, just get it done already. Piss or get off the pot.

4. Don’t tell me to match my flowers to the girls’ dresses. Don't tell me to match anything period. This is not the 50's, we are not Step ford wives. I do not need identical triplets as my wedding party.

5. Don’t ask me to invite more of your friends that I don't know, haven't met, and who don't know me. If they can't identify the bride and groom without the white dress and tux, they shouldn't be at my wedding.

6. Don’t call me 23 xs in one week, 12 Midnight, with your latest crisis. Your husband is an adult; he can pick out his own tux. I don't need to do that for you. Quit finding things to complain about. Just show up and shut up.

7. I don't care what you want, this is not for you. It's for me. You've gotten more than your share in this wedding, so stop acting like a spoiled child who wants more dessert. You got your share of the pie, so quit sticking your finger in everyone else's.

8. I am not one of the kids in your kindergarten class. Do not tell me my ideas are wrong, do not tell me what I want is wrong. No one died and made you god of the wedding universe. If I want to register for 83 wine glasses, I will. It's none of your beeswax.

9. If you don't like the food, don't eat it, if the cake is too sweet, leave it on the plate. You will survive one meal, so stop the blubbering.

10.If you agreed to be in the wedding party, don't ignore the one and only email I've asked you to reply to. AND FOR GOODNESS SAKE send back the RSVP. Of course I know you're coming, but I gave you stamped envelopes…return it!!

11. When I tell you about us getting our hair done at the salon, DONT tell me that the ONLY hairstylist that can touch your hair is the hairstylist I am using. She is not cutting your hair, she is only curling it, and can you just let it go for one freaking day!?

12. Don't bug me incessantly about making the centerpieces only to tell me 3 months before the wedding that you think they look shabby and then go and order whole new ones. Yes thank you that you paid for the new ones but now I have 7 "shabby" centerpieces that I spent money and time on that I DO NOT NEED!

13. Don't tell me that our guests will be hungry again at 11pm, so I should have sandwiches or other food on top of the wedding cake and tea. If they are hungry after eating cocktails at 5, and then the big dinner at 6:3pm, then they can stop by McDonald’s on the way home!

14. Please Don't keep asking if you are invited, I barely ever see you, you know nothing about me or my fiancé, and if I invite you I have to invite every other second cousin which adds up to about 15 other people that we also never see or talk to and have to pay for with our tiny budget.

15. A Funeral is NOT that great of a place to invite yourself to a wedding. Especially when you have only just met my fiance, or myself, just a few minutes prior.

Thank you and have a nice day.

  • Lol, well I think if my mum makes it up she'd like to be kept away from my dad and stepdad, but she tries to be civil to them and would like to be there for my wedding more then letting petty things like that get in the way.
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